You’ve read, you’ve listened, you’ve educated. Then, that tiny bundle arrives and you realise there is SO much to learn. Let me present to you a list, a list of just some of the things they DIDN’T tell you…..
You thought your waters would break and the baby would slide out? Yeah so did I! But what I wasn’t told was what ACTUALLY happens and that when your waters break IT.DOESN’T.STOP! Yes that’s correct, a constant flow of yucky liquid that no amount of padding or dark clothes can contain. Think pissing yourself while doing the weekly grocery shop, an uncontrollable urge while trying to be organised. Three outfit changes before you even get out of the house and a stern effort to try walk through the hospital without leaving a trail of puddles behind you! Even while being stationary it STILL doesn’t stop! Those maternity pads they tell you to bring for post birth…double it, because you’ll use most of them before that baby even makes a hint of showing!! “Get up and move around” the midwives will say, like you’re sitting there just complaining about a cramp. They won’t offer a giant paddling pool to prevent you causing an accident with the contents of that amniotic sac all over the floor!
Not your own…although the ‘post birth’ poo will become a hot topic among those of us open enough to discuss it! The tiny human’s poo will be your main focus for the first few weeks. You’re told it will be different colours, although you don’t actually believe this. Sometime later, after some serious consultation with Google, you realise it is true. You’ll make a mental note and compare at every nappy change. You will spend more time with your face closer to poo then is normal, examining it, analysing it and trying to judge if you need to go to A&E.
Yielding (tending to give in or surrender)
You’ve sworn you’ll be a text book parent – stern but loving and your child will be so well behaved. THINK AGAIN. Yielding will become your style, Battling to do it your way isn’t worth the effort when surviving on 2 hours sleep. When your child wants to eat the thermometer you’ll say no, then give in and go back to guessing their temperature with the “hand on the neck” trick while they chew the top off it. When they scream for 10 minutes because they can’t open the bottle of aloe vera gel, you’ll give in and open it for them….”how harmful can a mouthful be?” you’ll mutter to yourself as they squeeze its contents into their mouth. And remember that expensive lipstick you used to wear before we opted for the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look?, it will once again have its uses…. keeping the tiny monster quite. Everything will be ruined and you’ll invest in shares in Vanish and Soda Crystals but you have just been to the toilet without a pair of eyes peering in to the bowl between your legs and that’s precious these days.
Yokelish (lacking in grace)
Remember the days when you’d walk so gracefully in heels, step out of the car like a royal goddess and sit in restaurants like a lady…well kiss goodbye to the grace-like demeanour!! Now, you’ll scramble out of the car like a 100 year old, not caring that the whole street has seen your underwear and you haven’t had a bikini wax in 12 months….there’s a screaming baby in the back that demands your attention. When you do go out to eat you’ll scoff your food like a hyena, keeping one hand on your child who is about to dive bomb out of the high chair. Remember when you imagined yourself being a ‘yummy mummy’? Strolling around pushing a glamorous buggy…erase that thought…have you tried pushing a buggy up a hill with the contents of the house in the bottom of it? Yeah you won’t look graceful…..think more sweaty, pushing an elephant up a hill, not caring that your top crept up your back and those oversized knickers you thought would be comfortable scream to the world “Look at me, I’m a mother”.
This all sounds quite glamorous doesn’t it? Before you invest in shares of contraception companies, know that the ‘regret’ doesn’t last. It sometimes rears its head during tough times, but is outweighed when you see that the tiny human has learned something, done something new, said a word or simply just hugged you and it is THAT moment that makes yellow poo and all the other things they don’t tell you irrelevant.
This post is part of our A-Z of Parenting series where we take a look at the whole alphabet of things that can go right – or wrong – with parenting. A new letter is added every couple of days. Check out what’s happened so far here.
Loving our work? Get more of it in your life by following us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Read more of our brilliant blogs here.
Got something to say? Join our #MGFBlogSquad.