A Letter To: My Daughter, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Hold You

Aoife with Baby

Mummy didn’t hold you…an apology to my daughter…

It’s not because I didn’t want you or didn’t want to see you.

It’s not because I didn’t care for you or didn’t want to love you.

It’s not because you weren’t beautiful and perfect in every way, it’s because Mummy just couldn’t cope, with the trauma on the day. 

Your birth was supposed to be calm and exciting,

But Mummy stressed and so did you, which made the time more frightening. 

Mummy’s body wasn’t ready, it seemed to just give up and lots of doctors had to help, when Mummy’s energy got stuck.

Mummy was so tired and scared of what was happening, she almost went in to shock and couldn’t focus on anything.

The doctors had to help her and send her off to sleep, so they could mend her broken tummy, from where you had your leap. 

Your daddy held you first, so in awe of your arrival, he promised to love you always and he prayed for Mummy’s survival. 

Mummy struggled with recovery and how to heal her broken tummy.

She couldn’t do all the things she had planned, as lifting you for those few weeks was banned.

This made Mummy’s heart break and some days she found it hard to wake.

She wanted to enjoy those weeks, when mum and baby iron out all the tweaks. 

But Mummy soon got stronger and could cuddle you for longer.

She could finally do it on her own, and get to know you all alone.

She held you close every day and watched you grow in every way.

She lay beside you as you slept, so she could be close to you as she wept.

Mummy was sad because she missed out on those early moments, but promised to make it up to you, day by day, at every moment spent. 

Know my darling daughter, that Mummy loves you dearly, and every time she cuddles you, her love grows for you so clearly.

She spends more time watching you and holding you every day, to make up for those moments, she missed when you had your birth day.

She promises to hold you when you’re scared or feeling blue and always be beside you, to always guide you through. 

Aoife with Baby 2

This blog is part of our ‘A Letter To’ series.

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Aoife is a first time Mum to Elodie and can't quite believe she has made it through the first year of motherhood in one piece and with (most but not all) her sanity still in tact! She enjoys anything crime related (watching and working with) and her beloved daughter spent her time in the womb listening to the clinking of keys around a prison as mummy did her day job (Mum wasn't actually a prisoner)! Now back at work full, time, she didn't realise just how tiring it would be but quite enjoys spending all of her wages on the luxury of Costa coffees in the mornings. Aoife loves coffee, Gin, cheese, fake tan, a good book, a good giggle with the girls and watching a series from start to finish in one weekend! She would post her twitter page link here but she cant remember her log in details and actually has no idea how to use twitter!!