Baby brain is officially real* (phew!).

Finally, we have a legitimate excuse for putting the milk in the washing machine and leaving the youngest on the pavement. Spill the beans - come and confess your crimes against common sense.**

* www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/mothers-ruin-baby-brain-is-simply-a-way-of-preparing-women-for-motherhood-9334796.html

** No actual crimes please.

Confessions

Took my sons, 6 and 2 to Coolings Nature Trail. The youngest has trouble pronouncing his D’s occasionally, replacing them with F’s. Mortified when standing next to the pond whilst he pointed and shouted the F-word at the ducks…

11 0

I never get to poo in peace.  In fact, I sreamed at the kids once as loud as I could, “I JUST WONNA POO IN PEACE”…..now, whenever they’re playing “mummies and daddies,” the mum always shouts this out in the game.

23 0

I have a one year old and for the past year, I have not used the bathroom privately. That became painfully obvious when today, inspite of my parents visiting, I found myself on the loo with the door wide, wide, wide open.

7 1

My son was 1 year old and I had just started working. One morning we were late to go to the child-minders. Taxi came to pick us up and I went outside with the baby and closed the door. Only to realise I was still in my bed slippers and I had locked my bag inside with key in it. Had to knock up my neighbour to borrow the taxi fare and wear the child-minders shoes to work. Thank god she was a size 8! Ewwww the secrets out.

10 0

I forgot to order/offer lunch to my friends whom I invited at my place. It’s was my first post delivery encounter with people. I called my pregnancy yoga friends at my place when my boy was 3 weeks old and their kids were just over a month. So six ladies with six almost newborns. I had planned to order the lunch once I have discussed with them as I was new in that area. Soon after they arrived, we got busy sharing our experiences, feelings, birth stories etc. Also the babies were having a relay cry one after another. We had coffee and cookies and kept chatting for hours. I realised my mistake, only when hubby enquired about my lunch at night.

5 0

Me, deeply absorbed in conversation with the techno hipster in the Apple Store, failing to notice my toddler rifling through my bag and making a neat row of tampon ‘Rockets’ on the desk…

48 0

My son running across the cafe at Abbottshall with his pants and jeans around his ankles telling me he’d finished his poo and could I wipe his bum!

9 1

When I was pregnant I was walking through Blackheath one windy but warm day. I was wearing a floaty, light maternity dress with a thong on underneath (there is a point to this piece of info) when my phone wrung. As I answered it a sudden gust of wind caught my dress and blew it right up so without thinking I turned my back against the wall to protect my modesty! What I didn’t realise was that I had put my back against John Payne Estate Agents window and was pulling a full on mooney to the staff!! I have NEVER been so embarrassed!

42 1

My four year old saying loudly within touching distance from the person in question “that big lady is so and so’s mum”, then in answer to my look, “what? I didn’t say fat!”

13 1

Opened the door to the postman without properly fastening my nursing bra. An entire conversation with one breast hanging out. I’d like to say I was mortified but was genuinely too tired to care.

19 7

When I was pregnant with my second I suffered badly with ibs, which meant I would get caught short ANYWHERE!! We were getting some shopping after school & just paying for it when I felt a pain & knew I had to get home quickly!! I said to my daughter come on we need to get home quickly to which she announces to the whole shop mummy has diarrhoea! !!! Don’t u just luv em!!!!

8 0

My 2 year old was with me in a crowded public loo, at our local swimming pool. The kind that has very thin walls so absolutely no privacy. When it was my turn to do a wee, she shouted at top volume: “Yuck! mummy what are those big hairs all over your bottom?” I couldn’t stop myself from explaining (equally loudly) that it was my pubic area she was referring to, where it is normal to have hair like that. Couldn’t have a load of strangers thinking I have a hairy arse.

30 0

Using newly acquired skills lovingly massaged two month old baby into blissful state of sleep, excitingly tip toeing out of room thinking I may actually get to eat a hot meal with another grown up, only to discover had used moisturising shampoo for massage and peacefully sleeping baby covered in it. Needless to say wasn’t peaceful for much longer.

14 0

My most recent one was on Sunday. We got into a lift and my daughter pressed the button. I then said “Ask the lady which number she wants” at which point I thought ‘Aahh it’s a man!’ I quickly corrected myself and said “Err man, sorry!”. The person gave me a somewhat bemused expression. I then realised I had absolutely no idea if the person was male/female. I just stood there in the awkward silence as we waited in the lift.

7 1

Once whilst driving on a hot sunny day, all the Windows down, singing along very loudly to the radio. The traffic lights turned red so I stopped the car still singing along loudly not realising another car had pulled up alongside and was erupting into fits of giggles at my enthusiastic rendition of the song. Red faced I rolled up the window and stared straight ahead, willing the light to turn green as fast as possible!

2 0

Mine is 10 years old and still vivid and seriously cringeworthy. I had stopped breastfeeding my firstborn and my monthly friend decided it was good timing to come to visit while I was sitting at a cafe (with sleeping child in pram, a true miracle) wearing a light blue thin cotton summer skirt. As I got up a woman sitting next to me said I think you sat on something. Looked like a Roschack test and I was mortified. Went to the toilet snatched baby’s blanket and made a sari. Never went back there.

3 1

Ours is obsessed with frogs at the moment, which he pronounces ‘f*ck’, and happily marches round the houses shouting.

4 0

My son was really into acting out emergency scenarios when he was about 20 months, very cute but he pronounced ‘help’ ‘rape’ for some reason and would go around yelling it as he battled imaginary fires… Sometimes the imaginary fires would be in houses… Which (being a Londoner) he pronounced ‘ass’ the two combined required lots of explanations to bemused onlookers in playgrounds!

11 0

I did a shift in a friend’s pub many years ago (the Morden Arms in Greenwich) as I pulled a pint of something or other for a punter I noticed him giving it a confused/disapproving look. I’m t-total so know nothing about bitter, stout, beer, lager or how they should look… I promptly apologised using some recently acquired ‘pub lingo’ saying ‘oh I’m sorry, did you want me to give you head?! Mortified was not the word; the whole bar erupted.

15 0

Brushed my daughter’s hair with a fork because I couldn’t find the comb and we were late. Surprisingly good alternative.

15 0

I forgot my ‘mother-in-law’s birthday so quickly wrapped up a Dartington vase I had in the cupboard. The girls gave it to her and as she unwrapped it, said Mummy, why are you giving Granny our vase?

6 0

I decided rather spontaneously to do a mud mask that my mate bought me, you put it on and it’s warm and lovely. Fast forward 30 mins later I was standing at the bus stop and the bus pulled in and I realised to my horror that I had forgotten to take it off. Got totally distracted getting my son ready. The big dilemma was, go home and take it off and be late or do it at work and be time. It was the longest bus ride I had ever done (written by a man).

16 0

Last week my 2yr old nephew came to visit me & my newborn in hospital. We were all discussing what to name the baby when my nephew piped in loudly “call the baby vagina” and proceeded to chant “vagina” in excellent football cheering style, at the top of his voice, until my brother in law had to take him off the ward.

13 0

We was off out and my hubby was going to go down to the car and I thought both my girls had gone with him. I then locked the flat up went down stairs and when I got out into the gardens I could hear someone banging on the window didn’t want to appear nosy so just ignored it, they started to shout so had a quick look around but couldn’t see anyone. I walked towards the car and my hubby was looking at me strange and was waving his arms, I looked to the back seat only one daughter. Never run so fast back up to my flat to my 5 year old in tears who I had locked in.

3 0

I remember one morning, we were running just on time to catch the train. I got the double pram outside, set the alarm, locked up and everything. My daughter had been nagging me for a while and I kept saying wait until we get on the train please. Half way down the road I thought wow these shoes are really comfy which ones am I wearing? Looked down to see I had left home in my slippers. This is what my daughter had been nagging me about. Oh dear!

6 0

My youngest spent most of one day pointing at his nose, I thought he was trying to tell me he had a snotty nose. It wasn’t until bath time when he sneezed and I heard a ‘plop’ that I realised there had been 2 popcorn kernals stuffed up his nasal passages. Thought that was that, then the next day 2 more came out… hoping that’s the lot now!

4 0

During early breast-feeding chaos, I signed for a delivery and only realised after that my boob was exposed.

1 2

Once at water babies class my mum came to watch and after the session my toddler started to wander off so she hooked her finger in the back of his swim nappy and said ‘where do you think you’re going?’ She got the wrong child! His mum’s horrified reaction was the best part. I also once watched her once walk out of McDonald’s and across a car park and start rifling in the hood of someone’s buggy looking for her gloves. The mum was round the front of the buggy and was like ‘Erm, what are you doing?’

0 0

Still makes me painfully wince years on))) I once very affectionately hugged my husband in red T-shirt from behind. Except it wasn’t my husband, just another man in red T shirt. I still had to see him every week at church. Lucky I am not a bloke, eh?

2 0

My hubby came up behind me in an art gallery, snuggled up with his head in my neck and his arms round my waist. Except it wasn’t me, I was watching it all from the other side of the room. The other woman half smiled and ran away as he turned beetroot, mumbling something about ‘same hair’.

7 0

My friend’s kid was about 4 and was messing around with an adult and out of nowhere he says- I am going to F%#* you up the bum. Clear as day. She swept him upstairs for a serious chat. Best part was we said he must have heard that phrase somewhere and looked at the dad.

4 0

I was looking after my friends little boy along with my own – both boys were about 14 months old. I was getting sick of saying their names one day, so I started calling them both buddy (made life easier for me!!!). After a couple of times of me saying buddy, my friend’s son looked at me and very clearly said “bugger”, and kept saying it over and over! I had to text my friend and her hubby to tell them why their little angel had started saying bugger to everything! Not sure they believed me!

1 0

When I first came to this country almost 16 years ago, my English wasn’t very good. My hair was getting a bit out of control so I walked in to a very busy and noisy hairdresser shop and asked very loudly how much for a blow job?” As opposed to blow-dry. Mortified when the coin dropped and realised the words it had just come out of my mouth.

4 0

My son’s first word is clock. He can’t say the ‘l’.

4 0

When I was on mat leave, I answered the door to the post man whilst breastfeeding my son. I figured the postie couldn’t see anything and it was the early days meaning once I got a good latch, I wasn’t giving it up for anyone/thing. This was fine in theory… Until I realized the other boob was 100% hanging out too. Of course, I didn’t realize that until after I took the delivery and sat back down on the sofa!

2 1

One of my daughter’s first words was dildo – no idea where she’s got that from. She screams it when she’s in the bus/decides mummy can do with being brought down a peg or two!

3 0

I took my daughter to discuss being Christened. As she was about to turn 11, the Reverend had to make sure it was what she wanted. We sat down had a lovely chat then the Rev asked the key question: “So, why do you want to be a Christian?” To which my daughter replied “well I did want to be Jewish but Mummy said they can’t eat bacon!” I can not describe the look on this poor woman’s face but managed to mumble “ha yes, she’s so funny!” We booked the date and got out of there asap!

5 0

We got to the front of the queue for the London Eye and my daughter said – in a very loud voice – ‘is this the bit where I am supposed to pretend I’m only 3 so I’m free mummy?’

14 0

When my second daughter was a few weeks old I took her and her elder sister to meet Father Christmas at Manor House Library. We arrived in the Phil & Teds buggy and I excitedly lifted my two-year-old out of her seat and went to queue up to meet the Big Man. It was only when the little boy in front of us told Father Christmas he wanted a baby sister for Christmas that I remembered I’d left the baby in the bottom parcel shelf bit of the pram. She’d been outside in the pram park, on her own for about half an hour!

7 0

I brushed my teeth at a friend’s house with butt paste. Nappy cream was near their tooth-paste. I realised my mistake quickly.

3 0

I had the in laws over for dinner cooked lasagna, dropped it on the floor, picked it up and served it as pasta bake.

11 0

Son walked into our living room aged about 2 (a living room full of guests I should add) and shouted ‘F*CK OFF’. Obviously there’s a bit of a difference between my northeastern accent and his dad’s Kentish one. Let’s just say it was immediately obvious whom Son had learnt this lovely phrase from *hangs head in shame*.

3 0

Returning home with shopping bags and 3 kids, I was at the front door with 2 v small boys. Husband walked up path, I asked where’s the baby (she was about one month old). ‘What baby?’ was the reply. She was sat on the car roof (parked and stationary and nearby!) in her car seat. Sleep deprivation for dads!

0 0

My 6 year old had £20 saved up and one day last week he saw something he wanted (for £25!) which I paid for on my card on the agreement I would take the £20 from his bedroom. On Saturday night, I ordered a takeaway and remembered my money in his room, so chose the ‘pay cash’ option. When the food arrived I went to grab it and ALL HELL broke loose because he had seemingly forgotten our deal. He was hysterically sobbing, hanging on to my leg and begging me not to spend his money because ‘it took him me long to save it up’ and screaming ‘PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME MUMMY’ (all in front of the poor takeaway driver) and I’m there not knowing whether to laugh or cry counting out the £1 coins from his little Minecraft wallet because it was the only cash in the house! I can only imagine what the driver must have thought of me?

19 0

My 2.5yr old keeps inviting everyone in! Every time I answer the door he storms over and keeps telling anyone “come in!” continuously! This has been the case with Jehova’s witnesses, window cleaner, delivery guy…

2 0

When my son was going through his Bob The Builder phase he would shout, “get back to work” at people, including strangers. Oh, and walking into the convenience shop that we used to call the ‘Shop that smells bad’ and then calling it (to the man on the till) ‘the Shop that doesn’t smell anymore’.

2 0

My son did the “Mummy, is that a man or a lady?” thing about 5 million times over period of about 20 minutes whilst we were in a LONG queue at Lewisham post office collection depot one Christmas time, each time with me (who didn’t know whether “it” was a man or lady) tried every trick in the book to change the subject or fudge the answer. Caused lots of sniggers from the other queuers!

1 0

The window cleaner come one day to clean windows and when he finished I didn’t have any cash, so I thought I’d borrow out of 10yr old sons money box (one of those cash point one you have to put a card into). Put card in, tap number in we chose when we set it up, did not work, kept saying error!! Told the window cleaner to come back tomorrow in the end. When I picked son up from school I said ‘your money box don’t work I tried to pay the window cleaner’ ‘that’s because I changed the number so nobody could take my money!!!’

4 0

My kids still think their Grandad’s hair “blew away in the wind”! I really can’t correct the lie now it is that ingrained in our family!

1 0

When my second daughter was a few weeks old I took her and her elder sister to meet Father Christmas at Manor House Library. We arrived in the Phil & Teds buggy and I excitedly lifted my two-year-old out of her seat and went to queue up to meet the Big Man. It was only when the little boy in front of us told Father Christmas he wanted a baby sister for Christmas that I remembered I’d left the baby in the bottom parcel shelf bit of the pram. She’d been outside in the pram park, on her own for about half an hour!

6 0

My balding dad made the mistake of telling my then 3 year old he was going to the barbers. He looked at him, genuinely puzzled and said ‘are you going to get some more hair Grandad?’

1 0

My son did the “Mummy, is that a man or a lady?” thing about 5 million times over period of about 20 minutes whilst we were in a LONG queue at Lewisham post office collection depot one Christmas time, each time with me (who didn’t know whether “it” was a man or lady) tried every trick in the book to change the subject or fudge the answer. Caused lots of sniggers from the other queuers!

2 0

Today my 2yo told a lady in a motorised wheelchair that he liked her lovely lawnmower…

10 0

I once served my family blue chicken soup. Somehow a navy sock made it’s way into my slow cooker and I only realised when cleaning it AFTER eating the soup. We’re still alive to tell the tale but probably one of the daftest things I’ve done.

6 0

I have a video on my phone of my 20 month old daughter singing ‘Old MacDonald had a farm, EIOooooo, on that farm he had a f*ck, EIOoooooo. With a f*ck, f*ck here and a f*ck, f*ck there……’. I like to listen to it every day at work.

9 0

When pregnant, I made a cup of tea with a dishwasher tablet instead of a tea-bag.

4 0

When I was at university we were in a seminar all about anthropolgy and other such stuff. The tutor said something about Bajans and how they lived. The girl next to meet went into a rant about racism and how disgusting it was to describe someone by their colour, etc. Very calmly, the tutor informed her that Bajans were people from Barbados and it had nothing to do with being beige!

4 0

My 6 year old had £20 saved up and one day last week he saw something he wanted (for £25!) which I paid for on my card on the agreement I would take the £20 from his bedroom. On Saturday night, I ordered a takeaway and remembered my money in his room, so chose the ‘pay cash’ option. When the food arrived I went to grab it and ALL HELL broke loose because he had seemingly forgotten our deal. He was hysterically sobbing, hanging on to my leg and begging me not to spend his money because ‘it took him me long to save it up’ and screaming ‘PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME MUMMY’ (all in front of the poor takeaway driver) and I’m there not knowing whether to laugh or cry counting out the £1 coins from his little Minecraft wallet because it was the only cash in the house! I can only imagine what the driver must have thought of me?

11 0

Recently dropped my daughter at school, got back in the car with my 2yr old son and drove to my mother’s. Got out of the car to realise I had left the buggy on the pavement!!!! Drove back and luckily my good old-fashioned Maclaren was still there.

1 1

When my daughter was learning to crawl, she spotted a spider running across the floor of the lounge. She sprang into action, chased it, caught it and ate it – all before I could get to her to stop her (I was secretly impressed by her hand/eye co-ordination).

12 0

When I was in labour, I was a crazy, possessed animal. A doctor came to attach a monitor to the baby’s head and I wasn’t having any of it. I put a foot on each of his shoulders and kicked him so hard he flew across the room and into the wall.

19 0

I clenched as the elderly male doctor approached. The well-lubricated speculum hit him in the face and knocked off his glasses.

19 0

The window cleaner come one day to clean windows and when he finished I didn’t have any cash, so I thought I’d borrow out of 10yr old sons money box (one of those cash point one you have to put a card into). Put card in, tap number in we chose when we set it up, did not work, kept saying error!! Told the window cleaner to come back tomorrow in the end. When I picked son up from school I said ‘your money box don’t work I tried to pay the window cleaner’ ‘that’s because I changed the number so nobody could take my money!!!’

3 0

Having undergone years of fertility referrals and gynaecology appointments, I had obviously become a little too comfortable with stripping off…at my first IVF meeting last year, the Dr was typing away on his computer only to turn round to see me naked on the couch under the sheet! Not sure who was more embarrassed when he explained we were just completing the paperwork that day!!

30 0

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