“Are you having anymore” the question every parent gets asked. Whether you have one or five, it’s something we have probably all been asked. But what if you don’t know? What of your life isn’t as black and white as that.
For me that’s the reality. I had my first child after I had just turned 20, with the partner I had been with for 6 years. I thought it would last forever, naïve, maybe, hopeful it would all work out perfectly? Definitely. We were engaged and I thought it was love. But it was a toxic relationship and only when my baby arrived, who I would give my life to protect, I realised this. After 14 months of my baby being born, I ended it for the sake of my child.
I got on well with life as a single parent and my baby kept a relationship with his dad. Fast forward 6 months and I met someone new. It was a whirlwind and he treated me so well and he took my child on as his own and was an amazing step father. We found out I was pregnant pretty early on in our relationship. I was very dubious if it was the right thing to do, but with promises of the world and already living together and him being such a brilliant parent figure for my child, we continued the pregnancy and 9 months later my second child was born. But, as I’ve come to learn, my life is never simple! And we had some huge issues, that, after years of trying to fix, I just couldn’t move past them. I was miserable and knew I had to take action. So I bite the bullet and as much as it broke my heart for my children, I became a single parent again.
So here I am now, 26 and a single mother of 2, with 2 different fathers. Not a big deal on the face of it, some might say, it’s not that uncommon these days, others might think. And although that may be true, it leaves me wondering about my future. Will I have more children? Could I handle the judgment of others? What will my family think? How will my children feel? There are so many questions, and many I can’t answer.
I have someone new in my life, we are taking things slowly, as he also has a child and respects the delicate nature of my situation, and his own. But as all couples, we discuss the future. He would love another child, but I’m not so sure. I’ve asked if another child would be a make or break decision and he says he couldn’t choose between me and having another child. This one choice could end a great relationship, now or in the future.
I would love to have more children, I live and breathe for them, it’s my job in and out of my home, but when anyone asks that famous question, I always firmly say no. I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more, them or myself. I won’t deny I struggled with PND with my first, and my second, well, let’s just say, I think I deserve a knighthood for getting through 18 months to 3 years old with that one! It was undeniably hard and at times now it is still a real challenge, but, as all parents, I wouldn’t be without either of them. I would love to have that experience again, with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, with the person I marry, be it this person or someone else later down the road. But could I do it, my children are already 4 and 7, in four short years my eldest will be off to senior school, could I really go back and start all over again with a new baby. I have so many fears about having another child, some immeasurable, some just down right anxiety breeding, but I can’t stop thinking about them. But what scares me most? The thought of loosing someone I love so much, because they can’t shake the need to have more children and me living with regret that I didn’t have another.
I don’t want to reach 40 and both my children be grown and regret I didn’t have any more. I have so many regrets about life choices I’ve made, I don’t want to add any more to that list.
But how do you make that choice, when your life isn’t black and white. When the time comes, will I just know that I can do it and it will be the right choice? Or will I miss my chance and live with a life time of regrets? Or do I say up yours to the world and my fears and do it anyway?
I love my children, I have already made so many mistakes in my life that have affected them, I’ll be damned if I’m going to make another.
So will I have anymore children? Who knows what the future holds. I hope I find Mr Right and I fall into the perfect life and can bring a child into the world, complete my family and make it a easy transition for my children. But as we all know life is never that easy.